


You will always have me.

by Luminouswriter



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bellarke, Coffee shop owner Bellamy Blake, Doctor Clarke Griffin, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Enemies, Hurt, Mutual Pining, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 11:08:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29488815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luminouswriter/pseuds/Luminouswriter
Summary: This fic was written as part of The t100 writers for BLM initiative.check out the carrd here!There is this all-consuming aura being under Bellamy’s care, his kindness and necessity to watch over the people he loves is endearing. It was safe to say he quelled some of her pain, she is trying not to get too comfortable, too dependent on him but how can she keep herself from falling into his gravity?~~~~Clarke moved away from her small town years ago, he didn't like feeling secluded and never fitted in. Years later she has to come back when her mother gets I'll and look after her as well as take over her doctor position. The Town holds grudges against people who leave and they don't welcome her back very well.Bellamy runs a coffee shop now, Clarke goes there every morning before her shift. He's not happy that she's back either, he holds the same grudge as everyone else. But he starts to see that she doesn't deserve to be treated like that, so he starts doing random acts of kindness to see her smile since he hasn't seen her do that in a long time.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 16
Kudos: 70
Collections: The t100 Writers for BLM Initiative





	You will always have me.

Clarke looks up at the stars drenched sky drawing in a calming breath, she was here, in the place that she grew up in, that her parents grew up in, but it never quite felt like home for her.

Clarke wishes she could say she completely forgot about Arkadia, the people and the memories immersed with it, but they still clang to her like cheap perfume.

As much as it’s thick with anxiety, the cool night air feels amazing against her flushed skin, a breather from being on the bus for hours. Lucky for her she only had to drag her suitcases for a few more miles and she was home. She made sure that she would be arriving after dark so she can avoid all the lingering eyes – but to her dismay a handful of people are still out and casting condemnatory glances her way, they will make sure the entire town knows she’s back come morning.

Just great.

Clarke knows how this town is with people who decide to leave – unforgiving. But she doesn’t exactly care, at least that’s what she tries to convince herself. She never fit in growing up, she felt like crap and it’s six years later, this town and its people are still making her feel like an outsider, she was right to leave.

Clarke couldn’t wait to leave; she was practically counting the days to high school graduation just so she could jet out of Arkadia. Her mother wanted her to come back after medical school so she can practice medicine in her town and one day take over the medical practice, but Clarke told her she was following her own path and that her future wasn’t in Arkadia.

Clarke was pretty much raised in the hospital; she knew how to suture like a pro before high school. For as long as she could remember her mother groomed her to take over the practice one day, to work with her once she graduated. But Clarke knew she wasn’t coming back and when her dad died right before high school graduation, that was the final push. That last ember that burned for her in this town was blown out.

On the porch of her childhood home she stands motionless peering through the window blinds into her childhood home, she should feel like she’s home, she should feel at peace and welcomed but all she feels is restlessness, she hasn’t even taken a footstep inside but the way she felt when she was young is how she feels right now. She feels like a string is tied to her heart, on the other side a rock is attached to it and it’s thrown in the ocean, she can’t help but sink.

She feels like she can’t even let herself in, she feels like a stranger, an intruder so she fidgets with her hands before knocking, a few seconds later the door swings open to reveal her childhood friend.

“Wells” she sighs happily. The familiarity of his face prickles a warmth inside of her. He does look a little different, he isn’t the skinny kid anymore, his body is fuller in his grey shirt.

His lips curve into a tight-lipped smile “Clarke, hey get in,” he says taking a step to the side so she can get in. He pulls her into a hug not as warm as she remembers but she’s thankful he didn’t just let her in and walk away. She’ll take it.

She hauls in one of her suitcases and he gets the other “What are you doing here?” she asks as she sets her suitcase by the door, she takes her coat off and hangs it on the coat rack by the door.

“I help out sometimes, dad gets tired so I come over, make dinner, stuff like that,” he states, slipping his hands in his pockets. It feels weird – this feels weird. It never used to be like this between them. Her mother and Thelonious Jaha started dating a while back when she was away, how could she forget.

She steps further into the sitting room, the wooden floor creaking beneath her boots, the air feels thick when it should be warm and light. “This place looks… the same” her eyes dart around the living room and the rest of the house that she can see.

Wells sighs, exasperated “Yeah well, you know Abby…never really has time for things like redecorating.” He says and Clarke nods, her lips slipping into a knowing smile which Wells mirrors.

The only thing Clarke has noticed is different is the couch, it’s no longer the black leather couch she remembers, but now a white set that matches the white walls and décor around the room. Weirdly, she misses the old couch. Memories of her spending time on that couch catching up on TV shows, especially game shows that she watched with her father.

He would sit with her on that couch till she fell asleep, making her feel safe and loved when no one else did. A sting pierces her heart; she can feel the tears welling up in her eyes but she’s not going to have a break down, not now.

She clears her throat, pushing whatever emotions that are bubbling up beneath the surface all the way down “Where’s mom?” she asks pulling her gaze from studying the house she grew up in and focuses on Wells.

“Bedroom.”

“Thanks” she fidgets with her hands, a nervous tick of hers. She wants to say more, ask him about his life, ask him about his fiancé Sasha and what he has been up to all those years beyond their casual check ins through texts, but she has a feeling she would be pushing her luck with that one, she doesn’t miss the annoyance blazing in his eyes as much as he tries to mask it. So she swallows her words, hoping whatever curiosity bubbling inside of her dissipates.

“Yeah, I’m gonna take off now,” he picks his coat of the rack “And I won’t be here as much, I’m over seeing some work in the neighboring town so,” Clarke can’t really do anything but nod and smile, and just like that, he’s gone.

Clarke braces herself, what’s about to come will be much worse, Wells was somewhat welcoming but that’s because he can’t help himself, he always has been the nice guy.

Clarke heads up stairs to her mom’s bedroom, she doesn’t linger by the door for long, she thought she would probably catch her sleeping but she’s sitting on her bed, back rested on the headboard, glasses hanging on the bridge of nose reading a book. Clarke and her mom never really got along, it’s not that they hated each other, it’s just that Clarke felt like she never did and never will live up to her mother’s standards, she was never good enough, Abby managed to suck out whatever fun and passion Clarke had for medicine whenever she taught Clarke.

It’s not like Clarke thinks Abby was a bad mom, she just wasn’t a present one. They did share some moments that Clarke looks back on that Clarke’s grateful for. Like when Clarke and Abby went to shop for first training bra and they made a whole day out of it, went to the park, got some lunch and she remembers Abby whispering to her that she could get a facial with her since she was a grown woman now. Clarke beamed, throwing her arms around her mother. She wishes she could hold on to that feeling forever. Abby was also there through Clarke’s first heartbreak or when she got stood up by her date to the dance, Abby held her through those painful moments, but it never lasted because the legacy was always more important.

Clarke felt like it was just a matter of time before Clarke crumbled under the weight of her mother’s expectations. She decides to ignore the ache in her chest walking into the room. “Hey mom.” She says softly. Like the rest of the house, Abby’s bedroom that she once shared with Jake is covered in shades of white and greys and a few black in the different interiors the rest of the house. It wasn’t decorated to feel like a home but rather those homes in architecture digest that felt like no kid should live in.

Abby tilts her head up slightly taking in her daughter’s appearance “Clarke dear” she says, stunned putting her book down on her lap “I didn’t think you would actually come” she admits. Her voice sounds different in a way, it’s weaker but still condescending.

Clarke kind of feels like she just took a punch to the gut, sure her and Abby weren’t that close but she’s sick, cancer – it’s serious so of course Clarke came. Is this why she kept if from her until it got too serious? Because her mother thought she wouldn’t care enough to come back? Her mother sugarcoated the severity of her condition, her skin looks pale, more than normal, her head wrapped in a scarf coving her head from the hair lost during chemo, her mother has always been a skinny woman, but she looks smaller than Clarke remembers. Reality dawns on Clarke and she feels like a knife is plunged into her chest and it’s being twisted over and over again.

She might be losing her mother.

She swallows hard, wiping the tears wading down her cheeks. “You’re sick mom, of course I came” she says softly and a little offended sitting on the bed “how are you feeling? She takes her mother’s cold hand in hers.

“Better now, this morning was hard but I feel better,” she says with a tight lip smile.

Clarke has already felt a million emotions in the few minutes that she has been here “I’m going to uhm…settle in. do you need me to get you something, stay with you?” she says her voice croaky, tearing her gaze from Abby’s eyes to the photo of her dad that’s sited by the dresser by the side of the bed, Clarke would give anything to have him back, to go downstairs and see him reading the paper, making pancakes or all the little things that he did around the house.

Abby squeezes Clarke’s hand which makes her shift her gaze back on her “No dear, there’s a lot of work for you to get done tomorrow, patient files you need to catch up on. You need to get up early so you should get some rest” of course this is about the practice, can’t she just be here, confined to this house, taking care of her? There are people better equipped to take care of the practice. Clarke wonders if this is why her mother isn’t spitting at her for coming back, because she doesn’t want to scare Clarke away, she knows how much Clarke doesn’t want to be here running the family business “You’ll love Doctor Santiago” she promises.

Clarke nodes letting Abby know she’s here if she’s needed.

Clarke heads to her room and to her surprise when she cracks the door open her room has remained the same. It even has the same jasmine scent that enveloped their entire house growing up. Her fingers trail over her old books by the shelf, to the sheets on her bed, her art supplies stacked in the corner her closet still has the clothes she left. Her room was always the colorful one in the house, shades of bright colors sprinkled all across her room, art on the walls that she did herself, this was her sanctuary.

Pictures of her dad, her mother and herself still sticking on the wall, she has one of her and Wells on the deck at his father’s cabin, of all the photos on the wall one in particular catches her eyes and she moves closer to the wall. She can feel how her face relaxes even though her heart is doing backflips in her chest, it’s the picture that was taken right before graduation day, her heart was crumbling but she managed to go the bonfire by the beach, a tradition that has been set in place for generations apparently.

Some of her classmates are seated on the sand, other are lying down, posing and she’s standing behind them in her swimsuit with Bellamy Blake’s arm around her, his in black shorts, no shirt and that famous lopsided grin plastered on his lips. They weren’t exactly friends, just friendly she guesses, he had asked her if he can put his arm around her, so the photo doesn’t look awkward with them just standing there and she remembers getting a little flustered and just nodding.

She feels tears stream down her face, and she’s quick to brush them away. She told herself she needs to be strong for mom, for herself. She charges downstairs and hauls her suitcases upstairs, taking a shower, putting on her pajamas and letting her mind rest.

****

The next morning, Clarke is up at dawn, she didn’t really get much sleep, letting her mind wander to all the different scenarios she will have to deal with at her mother’s practice and in town. But there is one person that she is terrified of running into, her heart feels like bursting out of her chest just by the mere thought of it, she just doesn’t know how it will feel to actually come face to face with him.

Thoughts of him creep up on her like a spy ever since her eyes landed on that photo. She shoves them to the back of her mind where she has decided to lock all her other intrusive thoughts.

She got her pleasantries out of the way with Jaha, who assures her he’ll watch over Abby and that she should just head to work. Just like her mother and Wells, she senses the reluctance of having her back.

_For fucks sake._

Clarke feels weird that she will be in charge of her own practice. She’s in the very place and job she ran away from, life’s funny like that. Clarke loved medicine; she really did. The idea of holding someone’s life in her hands, giving them a second chance thrilled her. Her father was the more patient teacher, the more understanding one.

She only loved being at the hospital when he was there, he would teach her with love and not with harshness like her mother did. Clarke understood though, she understood her mother just wanted her to be the best, to excel, it’s the Griffin way, but sometimes all Clarke wanted was a mom but with Abby both those things are a packaged deal.

Coming from a family of doctors, it was inevitable that she would fall in love with the trade, and she did. When she left for Bardo to go to medical school, she knew she would be doing it because she loved it and not because her mother wanted her to. There were a few times she thought of finding something else to study, maybe art or photography – not only because she loved the arts, but also as an act of rebellion.

But she couldn’t give it up, she loved it too much, and she always felt like medicine was something special she shared with her dad. This way she could always carry a piece of him with her. She took her father’s lucky navy surgical cap that had heartbeats embroiled on it and his watch that he gave to her right before he died with her, she always had a piece of him with her.

She decides to be a little simple with her dressing, casual almost. She puts on some blue jeans and a white turtleneck paired with a black ankle boot and curl her hair and leave it loose.

Coffee is a necessity, lucky for her Jaha told her about Polaris café where she could find the best coffee in town with an amused smirk. She wondered what that was about, but she thought she was probably reading into things – but that thought is this completely shut down when her feet come to a halt when she enters the coffee shop and her gaze lands on the curly haired man behind the counter. The aroma of fresh pressed coffee and chocolate that she was engulfed in when she stepped foot in the café is replaced with anxiety.

She sees how he involuntarily takes a step back, startled by her presence she presumes. His dark eyes don’t tear from her blue ones, his chest heaving and his face contorts itself in shock that’s immediately clouded by irritation.

Great.

This place wasn’t there when she was home well it was it just wasn’t a coffee shop. She hasn’t seen Bellamy in nearly eight years, but Polaris café feels like him. The open space, cobble stone, the staircase that’s lined with books.

Clarke feels like her feet are lodged to the ground, the air grows thicker and her heart beats louder in her ears, she can’t believe who is behind the counter, she knew she would run into him eventually, but it still feels like a dream that she is only a few feet away from Bellamy Blake.

Everything that’s happening around her slowly fades away and it’s just her and Bellamy, his gaze is intense on her, at least that hasn’t changed. His eyes were always riddled with such intensity it was hard to look at him sometimes, it always felt like she would melt right into a puddle from his stare.

He doesn’t look like the Bellamy she left behind years ago. He’s got a beard now, but even through the days old scruff that’s lining his jaw, that famous jawline of his is evident. He looks grown, his shoulders and chest are broader but those famous freckles of his still dusted beautifully across his face, and his hair still unruly. He is still Bellamy, regal and beautiful.

She doesn’t feel herself move but she’s by the counter by the time she breaks from her haze and notices that her body moved and her mind is just now playing catch up. She tells herself that she is a grown woman, by the look on his face she can tell he isn’t particularly thrilled with her being back either, so she’s determined to just get her cup of coffee and go.

She tries to say his name, but it dies on her lips. Bellamy has always been intense, his presence commanding and the intensity of his eyes can gaze you into submission.

He regains his composer faster than her “Oh, I heard you were back, couldn’t believe it but here you are,” he grumbled deadpan.

She taps her fingers on the black marble counter nervously. “Here I am,” she tries with a small smile “What are the chances you thought you’d ever see me again” she asks nervously. What is she doing? She internally face-palms herself.

Bellamy’s face remains stoic. “Astronomically low,” he crosses his arms across his chest, tanned veined and inviting. She scolds herself, don’t look at his arms or how great the blue of his shirt looks on his skin, just concentrate on his face, his beautiful face lined with constellation of freckles like a beautiful starry night.

_Damn it._

“Right” she tears his gaze and focuses on the pastries inside the glass case that’s holds up the black counter. Her eyes dart back to him and his face is so stoic.

“Brave of you to come back princess” his face twists between annoyed and something else she can’t quite place. The nickname _princess_ doesn’t hold the same feel it did back then, it used to be a tease in a joking way, almost in a flirty way sometimes if she’s remembering correctly. But now, he says it with such repugnance.

She lets out a huff, she’s not going to make a scene. Do these people think she wants to be here? Her mother is sick, it took something that extreme for her to take a step back into this town and its stupid grudge holding tendencies for people wo dare to leave. She tears from his gaze and fishes for her wallet in her bag “Can I have a cappuccino…”

“Steamed milk? Foam?” he finishes his brow raised at her, this shouldn’t stutter Clarke’s heart but it does, she went on a few coffee dates with him, well not _dates dates,_ but there was a time in their senior year where they hang out with the same group of people and she remembers how he already knew how she took her coffee. It made a tide of warmth swirl inside her, this shouldn’t affect her now the same way it did back then, but it does.

“You remember” she states simply, softly with a fond smile and he instead sends daggers her way.

“Don’t flatter yourself princess, it’s a coffee order” he scoffs raking a hand through his hair, a nervous tick of his she remembers, also something he did when he was trying to keep his anger in check, she’s willing to bet it’s the latter.

Disappointment floods her chest; she doesn’t even know why. This is what she expected, this is what she prepared herself for. She rolls her eyes “Here” she places some money on the counter, it takes a second for Bellamy to take the money his gaze still on her. Clarke crosses her arms across her chest defensively. Bellamy takes the money and tells one of the barristers, a young girl with dark hair and two braids on each side to make her coffee.

He leans onto the counter narrowing his gaze “Shouldn’t you be at home, taking care of your mom?” he asks deadpanned, there is a little judgement in his tone.

Clarke rolls her eyes “Jaha is with her, I’ll be taking over her practice.”

Bellamy snarls, his brows drawn together “What do you mean taking over?” he says it like it’s something impossible, she doesn’t blame him on that because she can hardly believe it either. 

“Tsk” she mirrors him leaning onto the counter “Oh come on Bellamy, you were always so smart, that sentence can’t be too hard for you comprehend” she smirks, and he rolls his eyes at her dig.

“So you’re moving back to town” he says, his jaw tightening.

“Indefinitely” she sneers. That for some reason unnerves Bellamy, she can see it but she won’t try to decipher it. She picks up her cup of coffee from the counter and tells the girl whose nametag reads Monroe to keep the change, she gives Bellamy a glance over and leaves.

****

Clarke’s first day is exactly what she expected, for everyone to be a pain in the ass. Almost all the patients didn’t want to be treated by her, they wanted her mother. Some even went back home without being treated.

Pathetic.

The only light in this very dark and childish situation is that there is another doctor here, he’s kind of new to town so he doesn’t hate her. She’s hunched over her desk in her mother’s office – or rather, her office now – signing some papers when she hears him come in.

“I’m done with Roan, it was just a dislocated shoulder, gave him some painkillers, he should be as good as new in a few days, that’s if he doesn’t fall off the roof again” Doctor Santiago laughs, clearly amused by his patient who refused to be treated by Clarke. Her mother was right about Gabriel.

Clarke straightens herself and looks over at Gabriel, he’s very tall, she has to crake her neck back all the way up just to get a better look at his face – and he is a very handsome man she notices. She honestly didn’t expect a man this good looking, tall and built to be this light but here he is, being the one that eases the tension in the workplace.

She huffs out an annoyed sigh “Well, if he comes back, I guess you’ll be the one treating him, again” she doesn’t mean for her words to be so bitter, but damn it she is over all this.

“What is it with you and everyone around here” he asks curiosity in his tone, he takes a sit by the couch Clarke walks over and sinks next to him. He’s staring at her expectantly his head resting on the back of the couch.

She pulls her legs up slightly so her knees are resting on the couch, she lets out an exasperated breath at how ridiculous she finds this whole situation “The people in this town don’t like when people leave,” she says with a scoff and he his brow quirks up. “Yeah it’s crazy, trust me I know. I left a couple years ago, went to medical school and after I decided to continue my practice…not here. I just moved to Sanctum about a year ago, that’s where I plan to start my life” she releases a frustrated breath. She actually thought she was starting her life in Sanctum, that would be her home, but she has to put that on pause. “I left promising myself I wouldn’t come back, maybe visit my mom once in a while, but I never did… there have been a few times when she came to sanctum and we saw each other, but I haven’t stepped a foot in Arkadia in about eight years and now everyone hates me.”

“Well not everyone” he smiles sympathetically.

She smiles, appreciating his words. “I hope they won’t turn you against me.”

He puts his hand under his chin pretending to think and Clarke can’t help the smile that slips on her lips. “Tell you what. I’ll give you a heads up if they do” he teases with a smile. They both rest their heads on the back of the couch, easy silence settling between them.

“Doctor Griffin, wow that feels weird to say” the nurse, Bree says, Clarke leans her head off the couch, she feels like she’s getting a headache from all the times she has rolled her eyes this morning.

“What can I help you with Bree?”

“You have a patient” she says a little scared. Good.

Clarke exchanges a knowing look with Gabriel, this is probably going to be his patient as well. She stands and goes to the waiting room.

For a small town, the practice isn’t as small as some would expect. Over the years the Griffin’s expanded this place, yes Abby can’t redecorate her home, but she did take her time in designing this place. She has a staff of about seven nurses and five doctors, well six but Doctor Wallace is a house call Doctor and Doctor Santiago, Doctor Murphy, Doctor Jackson and since her mother is out, she’s the fifth Doctor – the one in charge.

The waiting room area is teal like the rest of the hospital. She takes a seat next to the older woman “Shall I see you in the examining room” she gives the woman her best professional warm smile.

The older woman clutches her bag on her lap “I’m looking for Doctor Griffin.”

“I’m Doctor Griffin” she tries, she knows this woman who she remembers as Nia, her primary English teacher who also happens to be the mother of her previous patient who didn’t want to be treated by her, which makes her think it’s not going to be very different with the mother.

  
“The real Doctor Griffin.”

Clarke holds in an angry frustrated sigh, fuck. She has to be professional “My mom is sick, and I am capable of taking a look at whatever is wrong with you, I’m more than qualified” she says in her best doctor voice with a smile.

The woman rolls her eyes, but she relents and lets Clarke take her to be checked out.

By the time shift ends Clarke is beat. She doesn’t know how she is going to manage. Maybe she can suggest that doctor Santiago or even Doctor Murphy can run this place, maybe her mother will go for it. Murphy is the doctor on call tonight, Clarke wants to stay but she needs to see her mother, she’s been checking in throughout the day and last she heard her mother couldn’t keep food down.

The cool night air ripples through her hair as she walks home, she’s thankful she chose comfortable shoes to wear, her house – or her mother’s house rather, isn’t that far from the hospital, there is a distance, but she likes the walk. Let’s her mind breathe. She missed some parts of this place, she realizes. It’s safe for one, the streetlights and shop lights make it look and feel like one of those wholesome movies about a small town, especially the Christmas ones.

She’s about to walk past Bellamy’s coffee shop where she promised herself she wouldn’t look through the tall glass windows to take peek at Bellamy when she hears a voice behind her “Well, how big did you screw up today?” she knows this voice, from her past and today at the hospital today, Clarke rolls her eyes before turning to face Roan “Heard you were the one to do a check up on my mom” he says accusatory.

“Yeah and?”

He takes a step closer, he smells of smoke and whiskey “And…” he looks her up and down and she is unwavering “if you screwed up, you and I are going to have a problem, you think you can come back here and try to take over? You don’t even know us.”

Clarke also takes a step closer to him, to show him just how much she isn’t going to be pushed around “I don’t need to know you in order to treat you. And why don’t you let me do my job and you can focus on…what exactly is it that you do,” she says daringly with an ached brow.

He takes a step back clearly not expecting that from Clarke “Whatever…just remember what I’ve said, doc” he saunters off.

Clarke takes a relived breath and when she turns to continue her walk home, she runs into a body that smells like... Bellamy. Fuck. He holds on to her, steading her so she won’s fall over. She tilts her head to look up him, meeting his gaze she can feel his breath on her face and her throat dries up, he lets her go and takes a step back “look at you making friends already” he mocks.

She fixes her bag om her shoulder “You saw that?” she asks a little embarrassed about her little run in with Roan.

“Yep” he says gazing down at her intensely as he is illuminated by the streetlights. She hates him right now but her heart stammers in his presence. He rakes a hand through his hair “I’m guessing your first day was… pitchy?”

She hisses, _‘j_ _ust a little’_ pitchy? It was a fucking nightmare, she says to herself, looking heavenwards. The one thing she isn’t going to do is break down in front of Bellamy Blake. “God this fucking town…” she averts her eyes from the stars back to him “it hasn’t changed, so what if I left? Are we all supposed to just…die here? Same faces, same everything” she lets out a little humorless laugh.

Bellamy is looking at her puzzled, she doesn’t expect him to understand. The thing about Bellamy Blake, he was just so lovable.

Sure, he sometimes kept to himself but even with his brooding tendencies Bellamy was still well loved and received. He fit in with the football jocks because he was the quarterback, he fit in with the nerds because he was a big history and English nerd and he fit in with the grownups that he helped fix things for, he just fit in while she always felt like she was on the outside looking in.

He steps forward and Clarke almost takes a step back but if he wants to be intimidating, she won’t give him the satisfaction of showing that he is getting to her. His eyes roam across her face for a second before meeting her eyes “We’re a family here, a community” he starts, Clarke sneers at that, Bellamy bites the inside of lips, looking like he’s trying not to say something he’ll regret. Clarke is staring at him expectantly, clutching her handbag waiting for it to hit, his chest heaves. “What? What’s so wrong about belonging?”

He really doesn’t get it, does he? “You belonged Bellamy – you did. I never did, not with my mom or my other family members, I only had my dad. You saw what it was like for me in school, I never fit in there. You and I teased each other, and you weren’t completely disgusted by me, but we weren’t close either. I didn’t fit in back then and I don’t fit in now, everyone is being an asshole now just like they were back then” she yells, one thing about Bellamy is that he masked his emotions well, that’s one of the few things she managed to pick up about him. Like right now she saw his face flash in regret, she nearly missed it but in a second it just went blank, his brows creasing together.

“Clarke –”

“No –” she cuts him off, she has no clue as to what he was going to say but she’s done. “I am here to do my job and take care of my mom, that’s it. I don’t care about rehashing some friendships or whatever…people are refusing to be treated by me and the ones that are allowing me to treat them aren’t exactly thrilled about it. It’s pathetic” she yells and storms off. She feels a little lighter after getting that out.

When Clarke gets home, she checks in on her mom and prepares a bath for her. She then prepares some food which her mom was reluctant to eat, but she took a few bites and Clarke helps her take her medication. She feels worked to the bone and all she wants is to pass out on her bed. She takes a shower and takes a bowl of her mac and cheese to her room. Friends is playing on her laptop acting as background noise as she checks social media.

Clarke is so proud of herself for not ever checking up on Bellamy when she was away. The many, many times she wanted to, she restrained herself but now she can’t help it, she doesn’t really care about everyone else’s life, but she is curious about Bellamy.

For some reason she didn’t expect Bellamy’s page to be as aesthetically pleasing as it is. It’s mostly photos of books, some of his café, his sister some friends, she remembers Miller from school. She stays a little bit longer on the picture of him in his glasses wearing a white sweater at a pub, she gets annoyed at just how good he looks and why she fucking feels her body tingle at the sight of him.

She exits his page and decides to reply to some messages from her new friends in Sanctum, Josephine, Cillian and Gaia – who she totally has a crush on – telling them she misses them too and can’t wait to get drinks once she’s back.

~~~~~~

Bellamy is hunched over at his desks barely focusing on the book that’s open in front of him, Clarke’s strained voice echoes in his head over and over. He physically shakes his head to rid his mind of images of the woman he can’t stand, he wants her to go back, it was easier when she wasn’t around, he tells himself. Lies, the voice at the back of his mind throws back at him.

Clarke abandoned her people, this town has thrived for this long because everyone pitches in, they welcome outsiders but for the people born and raised here it’s your duty to keep the legacy going, to bring whatever you learn both in and out of Arkadia back here.

Fan-fucking-tastic. This is what he just needed, having Clarke Griffin back in town as she looks down on the rest of them. Bellamy won’t admit that he felt abandoned by Clarke personally and he hates himself for that.

He doesn’t hear the door open, or his best friend coming in until he says something. Bellamy tilts his head up; Miller is staring back at him incredulously “What?” Bellamy sighs softly rubbing the back of his neck.

Miller throws his hands up huffing “Didn’t you hear me calling out for you, man?”

He rakes a hand through his hair, whatever sparks of unsettling emotions bubbling inside of him refusing to be kept at bay “Is there something you want? Bellamy draws his brow up.

Miller rolls his eyes “Can I borrow that brown coat?”

Bellamy lets out a laugh, borrow for Miller is code for take and keep. “No, I love that coat” he says standing up and walking around his best friend to the closet.

“Wh…come on” he huffs “I know you love it; I’ll bring it back” he says with an easy smile even though Bellamy can’t see it. Miller trying to be charming to get his way, yeah Bellamy knows this play.

“Yeah right” Bellamy plunges through his closet and pulls out a grey trench coat, which he loves too even though he hasn’t worn it yet, he is more of a sweater/cardigan type of guy, apart from his brown coat. He throws the grey coat to Miller and he catches it. Bellamy doesn’t pay attention to the confused expression Miller’s face is making instead he smirks at him and sits back at his desk his hands clasping together on his lap.

“This isn’t what I asked for, I’m going on a date.”

“And that coat isn’t date worthy?” Bellamy asks with an amused smirk “Come on, it’s new. I haven’t worn it and it’s a cool coat, you don’t want your boyfriend to see you with a coat he’ll one day see me with, do you?” Bellamy’s lip quirking up.

Miller rolls his eyes plopping himself on Bellamy’s bed “First of all Bryan isn’t my boyfriend, yet. And… a simple no would’ve sufficed. No need to butter me up with a different coat.”

“So you don’t want that coat?” Bellamy chuckles holding out his hand asking Miller to give it back, but Miller hides the coat behind his back and Bellamy smirks.

“That’s what I thought” Bellamy turns back to his book and he didn’t expect the question that Miller asks next.

“So… have you spoken to Clarke yet.”

Bellamy turns in his sit to face Miller once again whose eyes glint with mockery “What do you mean yet?”

Miller shrugs and Bellamy let’s out an exasperated sigh “She came into the coffee shop, and I ran into her this evening, but don’t say it like I was meant to talk to her, I have nothing to say to her.”

“Right.”

“Miller!” Bellamy warms

“What?” Miller sits up “You had a thing for her back in high school.”

Bellamy wants to deny it, but it’s no use when it comes to Miller. “It wasn’t a thing, it was a… fleeting crush,” he rakes a hand through his messy curls “Nothing more” he says the last part more to himself than Miller.

There was a moment back in high school that he and Clarke found themselves in the same circles, they had mutual friends and they had these stolen moments like at the beach when he put his arm around her or she came and sat with his by the shore while everyone was dancing through dusk he was watching the sunset with her talking about nothing at all, they kept it light but the warmth that came to just staring at the beautiful sunset while Clarke sat next to him was something he saw himself getting used to.

Miller stares at Bellamy like his contemplating his next move, and Bellamy is ready to shut down this conversation. He doesn’t like how Clarke’s face and the mention of her name sends tiny jolts of electricity throughout his body. Thankfully, Miller doesn’t say anything else, he just picks up his coat, puts a hand on Bellamy’s shoulder and tells him he’ll see him tomorrow not wanting to be late for his date.

Bellamy is left with wondering thoughts and confused feelings. Truth is, he has never been able to get over people who look down on his people, those that leave them behind taking their talents that can help used to further the future of their community elsewhere, but he wonders why Clarke leaving left a gaping hole in his heart. He hasn’t never been able to explain to himself, he had a dumb crush on her, that’s all it was. Right? 

~~~~~~~

Clarke throws her keys in the bow by the door, hanging her bag by the coat rack, she is still in her scrubs from heads to tail. She had a few surgeries, minor as they were they have completely drained her of her energy, especially since patients are giving her a hard time and here mom being sick isn't easy on her body or mind as much as she is trying to put up a strong front. It’s been weeks they need to let that shit go.

She walks over to the couch when she sees her mom laying down, not sure she is awake or not. she's holding on to the back of the couch when she notices Abby’s weary eyes watching the Tv.

she rounds the couch "Did you eat?"

"Yes" she says lowly her eyes still on the TV. she leans down holding her mom's feet up slightly and sinking at the end of the couch and she lets her mom's feet lay on her laps "Thelonious left some food for you if you haven't eaten yet," Abby’s eyes dart to Clarke for a second then back to the TV.

"Thanks...Why isn't here with you?" Clarke asks, treading lightly. She doesn't want to come off judgmental, but she's all tapped out for a fight right now.

"Clarke" her mom warns.

"What...?” she throws her hands up slightly in surrender “I'm not judging I'm simply asking a question." She blows out a breath, "I can do that can't I?" her eyes are on Abby, studying her. Clarke knows Abby well; she knows that she'll take anything Clarke says as judgmental or condescending. She made sure brand polite as possible over the years when asking about her mother's relationship with Jaha.

Abby’s eyes are now on Clarke " Yes you can ask. He made me dinner, he has been with me the whole day, taking care of me so I told him he could rest or work." She shifts a little on the couch so that she is no longer on her side "He chose to work for a while before bed" she says with a lip tight smile.

"Okay"

"How's everything going at the hospital?

"people are being assholes but other than that it's good."

"Clarke, it will take a while for people to get used to you after abandoning..."

Clarke shoots here mom a warning glare before she finishes her sentence, she didn't abandon anyone for fucks sake. She doesn't owe any of these people shit.

her mom sighs picking up on what she's said "After being gone for so long" she corrects "they'll get used to it."

"I'm not trying to be their friend mom...I just want to do my job" she says bitterly and takes her phone out of her scrub pocket "I don't know why I can't just stay here with you."

"Because the hospital needs you."

"And you don't?" Clarke didn’t know how hurt she was by this until she heard her own voice, how broken it sounds.

she smiles softly "of course I do. But I just lay here, eat, vomit, watch TV or read a book, Thelonious is here. You get to hold down the fort at the hospital for me.”

"Okay" she says her gaze averting back to her phone.

A small smile plays on her lips when she sees a message from Gaia, telling her she misses her and checks in on Abby which she quickly replies to. She then checks here Instagram scrolling through her timeline for a while when here mom finally says something.

"You kept your father's scrub cap" she says, surprise is in her tone which sends a surge of anger in Clarke's blood.

she grinds her teach trying to calm herself "why wouldn't I?" she asks her voice clipped, keeping her eyes fixed on her phone.

Silence settles in the room again, in her peripheral Clarke sees her mom studying her, right now the air has shifted and thinks Abby mist notice it too. The fact that her mom would even think that there is a chance Clarke got rid of her father's cap enraged her. Even if she didn't end up studying medicine, she would never give it up.

" I didn't mean it like that Clarke, I just meant you wear it," she back tracks, Clarke doesn't respond, she lifts her mom’s legs off of her and settles them back on the couch, before she walks away, she turns back to her mom "Do you need me to get you something? To get you to bed?"

"No honey... Jaha will come take me, get some rest" and with that Clarke heads to her room, taking a hot shower and hoping all the day’s stress will wash over her and stream down the drain.

~~~~~~

It’s been almost a month since Clarke got here, not much has changed from the time she got to town, other than that her mother has gotten worse. The treatment wasn’t working so she decided to stop the chemo. Sure not having all those chemicals streaming her veins makes her feel better, but Clarke knows it’s just a matter of time before her mother is gone. As much as her mother has passed comments about Clarke abandoning her again and how when she’s gone Clarke will abandon her parent’s legacy, everything she worked hard for – all Clarke can do is be there for her and try not to get into an argument with her dying mother.

Even if means swallowing her words and let her mother’s words cut her like glass wounds etching themselves to her soul.

She also still has to deal with all the whispers around her and the less than friendly welcome around town. She doesn’t really go out, so she isn’t getting the worst of, it’s just work and home and well – her every morning stop, Bellamy’s coffee shop. They exchange snide comments, and she won’t let him or anyone get to her.

“You can’t do that at home?” Bellamy’s unpleasant voice cuts into her little bubble she created for herself in his coffee shop around her booth in the back. He slides in the opposite booth, eyeing her curiously. She wants to slap his attractive face. God, couldn’t he at least have turned out ugly so it would be much easier to hate him? He has his glasses on which she’s spotted a few times, they frame his face perfectly, and that white sweater that looks amazing against his tan skin. He rakes a hand through his hair, and she curses herself for finding every little thing he does attractive. She puts her pen down leaning into the red velvet cushioned seat “I’m a paying customer, what? Are you saying I’m not allowed to stay here and work” she asks her tone cold.

He draws his lip between his teeth, his chest heaves exasperatedly before he relaxes “I didn’t say that, I’m just wondering why you would be here, with everyone whispering about you.”

Clack sneers at the stupidity of the whole situation and Bellamy can’t help but stare keenly. “Everyone else obviously has nothing better to with themselves if after a month of me being back in my hometown, to watch over my dying mother is still something they find worth wasting their time gossiping about, then they’re being pathetic.” She says not bothering to whisper, she says, not caring that a few people have heard what she said. Bellamy on the other hand looks at her flabbergasted, she can see him biting back a smile.

Bellamy scans around them, Clarke seemed to have stunned everyone else with what she said, shutting them up. She crosses her arms across her chest, her brow raised at him daring him to say something. She looks cute when she’s upset, get it together Bellamy. She is still the sane beautiful fierce girl that spoke her mind back then, it was one of Clarke’s attributes that Bellamy most admired. Sure, Clarke could be reserved, never really got along with most people, or she just never put in the effort to fit in with people. But when she decided to give someone a piece of her mind, there was no stopping her. Bellamy surrenders, slipping out of the booth. Before he can get away, she hears Clarke call his name.

“Can I get a refill?” she smirks tapping the white mug cup on the table “Thanks.”

Bellamy rolls his eyes and walks away.

~~~~~~~

Clarke honestly wanted to wait until Gabriel was done with his surgery so he can be the one to treat Bellamy... She tried looking around for the other Doctors but they were busy, and Murphy just said no and that it's her job so she should've be asking any favours.

He came in with a cut on his hand from a broken glass. An accident that happened at his cafe. He told her he thought it was no big deal, but that Miller insisted, she put on her best doctor face and voice and told him it was good he came in, the cut definitely needs stitches. She ushered him to one of the free beds in the ER while she gathered all the needed supplies and then came and sat on the chair next to the bed.

Clarke has been avoiding looking up at him for minutes since she cleaned out his cut to now when she's stitching him up. Mainly because right Before he came in she was crying her eyes out, and she’s kind of hoping he doesn't notice. She tried to clean up her mascara with a baby wipe as much as she could, but she did notice how Bellamy stared at her and cocked his head like he was examining her.

She didn't do a very good job she guesses, but it's none of his business so she just needs to put attention to the matter at hand – no pun intended – and he needs to shut up and let her do her job. She did find it odd that he didn't ask for literally anyone else to help him, but she isn't mad at it.

Every few minutes she risks it and glances up at Bellamy, his eyes aren't on the wound or anywhere else in the room but on her, attentively and with each glace to his dark eyes the room feels smaller, the air feels thicker and her body feels hotter. She hates herself right now, she hates Bellamy but every time her his knee brushes up against hers, she feels like a teenage girl. The same teenage girl that got all flustered that a shirtless Bellamy put his arm around her or when he a gave her dimpled smile and called her princess.

"How did..."

He cuts her off before she asks her question of how exactly the glass broke in his hands when he asks the question she was dreading.

"Were you crying?" He asks, his voice devoid of emotion.

Clarke glances up at him, and his face is still as emotionless as it was when he got here, apart from that brief moment he clearly wanted to say something to her.

Clarke wishes she pushed the swivel chair down before she sat down that way Bellamy's face wouldn't be so close to her when she looks up at him. She clears her throat trying to dispel the air caught in her throat "No I wasn't crying" she lies looking back at his hand which he almost done with.

He scoffs "Clean your face a little better if you want anyone to believe you."

Clarke doesn't answer him until she’s done. She stands, writing a prescription of some antibiotics and painkillers.

"Did someone give you a hard time?" He says as he stands taking the prescription from her hand. She puts the other prescription pad in her lab coat and then crossing her arms across her chest and her eyes are blazing eyes are fixed on his.

"Why do you care?"

"I don't," he answers quickly, his face unchanged.

"Yes Bellamy," she continues stepping closer to him "I was crying..." She sees how he visibly sighs and clenched his jaw still looking down at her "My mom is dying, I had to leave the life I started in sanctum and this stupid ass town won't give me a fucking break. I don't need my qualifications questioned at work, I don't need to hear people's stupid comments at the grocery store or the town square or by any of the people that stop by my house to see my mom," she grits her anger consuming her and her takes a hand through his hair looking away for a second as if her gaze to harsh "I feel so alone... And the weight on my chest won't lessen so, Bellamy, yes I was crying you happy?" She asks bitterly and his gaze is back on her.

There is emotion behind his eyes now she just can't point out which emotion it is, but she knows it's not anger or annoyance in fact there is a softness to his gaze "I'm not happy that you were crying, Clarke."

"Yeah right," she bites. His jaw clenched at a. She doesn't give him a chance to say anything else she just tells him to come back for his stitches to be removed and he should take his meds.

She closes the door to her office leaning against it. She he feels like screaming. How dare he look at her like he actually gives a fuck about what she's going through.

The next morning, Clarke’s heart is in her throat, her mother has barely kept anything down. She spent the night trying to make her as comfortable as possible. When she wanted to let her mother rest when she finally felt a little bit better to actually fall asleep, Abby clutched Clarke’s arm gesturing for her to stay in bed with her, so she stayed. She let the tears well up and fall when she held on to her mother as Jaha slept on the couch in the living room. The next morning Clarke told Gabriel she won’t be in, which he understood and assured her he’ll make sure everything is running smoothly and that he was there if Clarke needed someone to talk to, she thanked gratitude swirling inside of her.

~~~~~

Bellamy can’t get Clarke out of his mind after seeing her the other day, her pained expression latched to his brain when he went in. it’s been over a week and the need to check up on her hasn’t lessened, he went back in yesterday to have his stitches removed and the Doctor that attended to him, Gabriel, informed him that Clarke hasn’t been in much because of her mom’s condition worsening, Bellamy guesses she’s probably been at work those two days she showed up at the coffee shop barely looking him in the eye.

He knows what it feels like to lose a mother and father. His heart hasn’t been able to stop twisting in his chest; his stomach is in knots. Not seeing her and knowing she’s in pain has left a little ache inside of him. He hated how sad and lonely she seemed as much as she didn’t care, it was still there, and he hated himself that he added to that.

It’s evening, but he has to see her. He left Monroe in charge of the café hours ago. He dressed up and decided he was going over at the Griffin residents but talked himself out of it and decided to change again but he decided again that he has to see her. This time he doesn’t change out of his grey sweats. he just decided to throw on his grey sweater, January weather can be a little harsh in Arkadia. He made a lasagna with Clarke and Abby in mind, so he decides to take it over her place.

When Clarke opens the door, she looks like she’s ready to shut the door in his face, which he understands. He holds up the glass plate with the lasagna and she takes a step away from the door letting him know he can come in. He has been over at the Griffin residents a few times helping Miller and Monty and Jasper when they were hired to fix a few things.

He doesn’t mean to stare too much at Abby who is curled up on the couch, but he can’t help the sympathy that whirls inside of him. Clarke clears her throat, and he averts his gaze to her. “I…brought dinner.”

Her features are clouded in sadness and weariness, she’s wearing an oversized hoodie and leggings, he remembers Jake griffin in that hoodie walking around town, coming into his mother’s tailoring shop a few times “Why?” She asks her voice small and wary.

He shrugs, he knows why he just won’t admit that he cares “Just…something I thought I should do.”

“Careful Blake,” she says, stepping forward, they’re still standing by the door. “I might just think you care, and not that you are you’re impatiently waiting for the day I leave.” She takes the lasagna and heads to the kitchen.

It takes a few seconds for him to follow her, busy thinking he does care, and he doesn’t want her to leave. That last part is an unconscious thought.

She sets the plate on the counter and her suspicious gaze is back on him as she leans on the fridge. His body is doing this weird thing where it just wants to hold her. He can see the sadness seeping from her glassy exhausted eyes. But he can’t so instead he wraps his arms around himself. The air in the kitchen grows suspiciously thick, the papers splattered across the counter catches his eyes “What’s all this?” he asks unwrapping himself picking up one of the papers and settling it back down before he can actually read it.

She draws in a visible breath, pulling herself off the fridge and taking steps towards him until she is under his gaze, a little too close “I have to uhm…take care of all the legal stuff. Insurance. The house, the practice, all the licenses” she says resignedly, and he gives her an understanding nod.

It’s weird, standing in Clarke’s silence stretched kitchen with her closer to him than she has in years, her looking up at him with those beautiful crystal blue eyes. His body is doing that weird thing again, like his hand wants to reach out to her face and tuck that blond strand of hair on her face that’s loose from the rest of the hair tucked into a messy bun. He wants her against his chest while he wraps his arms around her, whispering to her that it will hurt for a while but eventually things will get easier. She is familiar with grief, but he knows she will need the reminder. But he can’t do any of that.

She’s so beautiful, that thought hasn’t left his mind since the day she walked into his coffee shop.

“Can you do me a favor” she whispers, looking down at her hands as if she’s about to ask him something she’s embarrassed by.

“Yeah.”

“I don’t think she’ll manage to get up, Jaha won’t be here for a while… can you…” she trails off.

“What Clarke?”

She breaths looking up at him “Can you carry her to her room?”

“Of course,” the side of his lip curving into a soft smile.

..

Clarke can’t hold the sob that’s been stuck in her throat that she has had to hold in the last couple of minutes especially with Bellamy showing up at her house.

When she hears Bellamy’s footsteps receding from her mother’s room to the kitchen, she brings the back of her hand to her face wiping the tears off with her father’s hoodie. She clearly didn’t a very good job at it because judging by the crease of Bellamy’s eyes and that sympathetic look on his face, he can tell she was crying but she says something before he points it out “Thanks for doing that…we moved her from the upstairs room to the one downstairs but it’s still hard.”

There’s that sympathetic smile. “Glad to help,” silence again.

Clarke fidgets with the hem of the hoodie, unable to keep looking at Bellamy who is staring at her like she’s broken, or that he wants to hold her, but she knows she can’t let herself get caught up. Bellamy doesn’t even like her, he wants her gone just like everyone else.

“Clarke,” he says her name in a way that makes her wants to scream so that the weight pressing against her chest may lessen.

“I’m fine Bellamy,” she says clipped “Thank you…for the food. I really didn’t even think about eating tonight but now I get to – and for helping my mom,” she needs him to leave, her body is reacting to his and so are her emotions, she can’t get sucked into his gravity.

He nods, “you’re welcome…” he stares at her, neither of them saying anything for a moment but then he looks away taking his car keys from his pocket “I’ll see you around Clarke.”

When the door closes behind him, she feels the air reaching her lungs again, she leans on the marble counter taking a few slow breaths, she can’t continue crying. And she can’t think of Bellamy, so she just helps herself to Bellamy’s lasagna which she scoffs at how delicious it is. 

~~~~~~~

Bellamy has only seen Clarke twice since he was last in her house a week ago. She stopped by to get coffee on her way to work, and he’s guessing that’s how many times she’s gone to work. This time he didn’t make any snide comments and she looked too exhausted and preoccupied for it anyways.

Her disheveled look has weighed heavy on him ever since, his entire being wants to be around her. And one of Bellamy’s ways to blow off steam is going for a run. When he takes a turn there’s woman in black leggings and blue sweatshirt in front of him, but it’s the wave of blond curls that catches his attention on the trail of his usual run. It doesn’t really surprise him that Clarke is out running at the break of dawn. If he remembers correctly running was one of the things she did to shake off stress. Sometimes when the football team practiced after school, he would spot Clarke on the tracks pushing herself as she ran lap after lap. Just like it did then his heart goes out to her. He runs a little faster to catch up with her “On your left” he says passing her by.

He turns, running backwards and slowing his pace. “Fancy seeing you here princess.”

She grimaces and says, “Go away,” stopping to take a breather for a second, but she starts walking instead of continuing her run. “Or is this trail one of the places my city ass isn’t allowed to be?” She asks bitterly, lowly like she has no more fight left in her.

Bellamy’s planned retort dies at the back of his throat when he fully takes in Clarke’s appearance and he can’t help the ache that penetrates his chest. She looks…tired. The type of tired that seeps through your skin and settles in your bones.

Sweats making her blond hair stick to her ivory skin, dark bags under her bloodshot eyes. She’s definitely been out here for longer than this Bellamy guesses. His ego has replaced his empathy when it comes to Clarke, he is man enough to admit that. He stops and falls into step beside Clarke, walking in awkward silence until they reach the edge of the trail. You could oversee the entire city from up here.

Bellamy is thankful Clarke hasn’t asked him to beat it, he can’t explain it, but he feels like this the only place he should be, even if it’s just standing in silence beside her – extending a silent comfort.

“I missed this view,” she says when they reach the peak that overlooks their town. She always loved this place, it’s high up and somehow it always remained green up here. The grass and the huge tree at the center refusing to die. She used to come up here to watch the sunrise, to watch as the town came to life, lights beaming in the far distance. She also used to come here in the, to watch the sunset and eventually the stars. She remembers seeing Bellamy here a few times, by the blue bench – his nose buried in a book, and she painted sometimes both of them remaining silent.

Bellamy looks over at Clarke, brow raised. He didn’t think she missed anything about this place.

She lets out a soft sigh, “I know; trust me I didn’t think I’d miss anything in this place… but I did. I missed the old Arkadia library, I know that was your place” she smiles fondly “The dropship bar, sneaking in there was fun, sometimes. One of the few memories where I let the illusionary fog engulfed me and I thought I might just belong” she says forlornly “I even missed you,” she admits glancing over at Bellamy with a sad smile.

Bellamy swallows thickly, words escaping him by Clarke’s admission. He doesn’t think she expects him to say anything, she tears from his gaze taking a sit on the grass and he sits next to her as they stare at the city from above.

He rakes a hand through his damp curls rummaging through the archive of his memories “Remember at the beginning of senior year when Atom convinced us that his parents would be gone for the entire night and we should all go party at his house?” he asks looking over at her and she nods.

She’s beautiful, he thinks. The soft glow of the morning light is making it hard not to be completely enthralled by him.

“Best party” she adds echoing Atoms promise.

“Yeah. And he was right, it was fun for a while. You were actually engaging and happy,” he reminds her, and she laughs. “And then his parents came home, lucky for us Connor saw them before they saw us and everyone was just…” he laughs at the memory of their friends running outside to get away and others trying to find a decent place to hide and all he remembers is grabbing Clarke’s arm that looked small in his and pulling her into the bedroom closet.

“Oh my God” Clarke laughs rubbing her hands across her face trying to rid the memory that comes next “His parents started making out” she throws her head back in laughter.

Bellamy wants to bottle the beautiful sound of Clarke’s laugh; it’s alluring like a siren’s song. He remembers him and Clarke in that small space, her hands in his, holding on to each other with fear that they may be busted any second. Her beautiful ocean eyes staring back at him illuminated by the small closet blinds, there was a small smile playing on her lips that night ready to burst out laughing at the awkward situation they found themselves in, he tried to tear away from her soft yet enthralling eyes, there was something emerging inside of him that he couldn’t explain.

Clarke tried to let everything else around them fall away, sure the parents making out was hard to block out, but she was spellbound by the stars in Bellamy’s eyes, the side of his lip coiling into a soft smile. He was regal and beautiful even back then.

She could feel his hot breath on her face that smelled like cheap alcohol and him, the warmth his skin was radiating, seeping into her. She remembers thinking that she couldn’t last long in such a small, charged space with Bellamy looking at her like she hung the moon.

Her mouth was dry, heart beating fast, she was ready to burst out of the closet, getting caught would have been better than staying in that closet where all she wanted was to grab Bellamy by the collar and crush his pink full lips on hers. She finally managed to breathe when something distracted Atoms parents and they rushed out of the room, giving her and Bellamy the window to slip out the back.

“That was one hell of a night,” Clarke smiles, Bellamy realizes that this is what he wants, seeing Clarke smile, unprompted. Something whirls up inside of him when cinders of life flash through Clarke’s eyes.

That night after getting away from Atom’s place, they walked the streets and that was the first time they actually talked, about their interests and futures, which Clarke neglected to relay the part about her staying away forever.

“I heard about your moms passing, I’m sorry Bellamy” she says her voice croaking.

He meets her glassy eyes, shit. This can’t be easy on her “Thanks Clarke.”

“My mom actually had some of the lasagna you brought, she enjoyed it.”

“I’m glad.”

“So…” she continues “How’s Octavia?” Octavia Blake, the other regal, beautiful Blake.

The expected smile that forms at the lips when Octavia is mentioned doesn’t disappointed, she was in a way like his child from what Clarke remembers “She’s good. Just got a job teaching at the school. P.E, she’s still in school though.”

Clarke nods “And Kane”

“Kane is refusing to retire” they both laugh. He’s Bellamy’s stepfather but he loved him like his own since the very start.

“What about you? how’s city life?”

She scoffs turning her gaze back to the view “Yeah right.”

“I’m serious, I want to know” he nudges her shoulder with his.

She turns her head back to eye him suspiciously. She relents and tells him about her new residency position in Sanctum, how she’s only been there for years and hasn’t exactly found a place yet so she’s staying with a friend.

They stay there a little longer, Bellamy fills her in on some of the major things that have happened, how when he got back from college he was teaching full time but only now substitutes and how he got to own his own coffee shop with the help of his father, Kane since she left, and she tells him a little bit about her life away.

~~~~~~

For the past few weeks Clarke has walked in Bellamy’s café and walked out with a free coffee, she isn’t exactly mad at it since it comes with Bellamy clearly trying to make her feel better.

Her coffee is being handed to her by as soon as she reaches the counter by Bellamy with a soft smile who looks particularly good in his peach like hoodie and glasses “Made it in advance” she smirks “What would’ve happened if I didn’t come in” she says plopping herself on the stool.

Bellamy leans in with a knowing smirk “You need your fix everyday” he chuckles.

“My fix?” she laughs, and he shrugs with a smile, she puts her handbag on the counter and takes a sip of her coffee, she closes her eyes with a moan as she savors the test letting out a soft moan that makes her shoot her eyes open landing on Bellamy who has a small smile playing on his lips, she has to put some distance between them. She just knows her cheeks are red, she pushes off the stool standing and taking bag off the counter, feeling a little embarrassed.

…

For some reason Clarke’s cheeks have turned scarlet, so what she enjoys she enjoys the coffee a little too much? He lets out a chuckle to ease things just in case she really is feeling embarrassed “Do you want a cupcake or any other pastry to go with your coffee” he asks gesturing to all the different pastries in the case.

“I’m I at least allowed to pay for that?” she questions her eyes taking in all the goodies.

“I told you” he says packing up six cupcakes and rounding the counter till he is standing in front of her “You don’t get to pay for anything.”

She smiles softly, her beauty always takes him every time. She’s wearing a navy-blue Cardigan some blue jeans and vans, her hair is a knot on top of her head, and he thinks she just looks radiant.

“And why is that?” she asks softly looking up at him with an easy smile, her eyes searching his for something.

“I told you…you’re getting the deluxe special” he says with a grin. He could tell her that all this is just to make her smile and make her feel like she has someone. He knows her days aren’t easy but if he can help her start them off with her feeling happy, then he doesn’t mind doing with for her forever. And that scares him a little. “I do this for all my new customers that become regulars,” he lies, handing her the white and blue cupcake box. There’s a ray of something in her eyes that he can’t quite put in words. He knows she has picked up on what he is doing, and she is choosing to play along. he honestly thought after all the rough run ins they’ve had since got here that she would resist his gestures more than she did, but he is grateful for it. 

She takes the box and looks down at it for a second “Thank you,” she says and before he knows it she’s hugging and his hugging her back, he doesn’t care about the eyes on them, he wants everyone to know Clarke is his friend now, and he doesn’t plan on hiding it.

She pulls back, smiling at him and heads out when he turns back to the counter, Miller has his arms crossed eyeing him mischievously “The deluxe package?” he questions with a laugh.

Bellamy groans the smile of his face staying put though “Shut up Miller.”

~~~~~~

Bellamy feels like he may be pushing his luck with Clarke. The free coffee and little chats when she comes in every morning seem to be doing the trick and making her smile but he still doesn’t want it to feel like he is forcing himself into her life but when Octavia told him that Clarke is at the hospital when she dropped by to have her knee checked, which Bellamy scoffed at knowing damn well Octavia finds an excuse to go check on the new doc.

Polaris makes the best chicken salad, which Bellamy makes, and he has noticed that’s Clarke’s go to order. He packs it in a brown paper bag and heads out. When he gets to the hospital, he sees Raven practically scowling at Clarke in the waiting room “Are you sure you did this right??” she sneers at Clarke looking at the cast on her arm.

“I guess we’ll see” Clarke rolls her eyes at the brunette, her eyes meeting his for a second then looking away. 

Before she leaves Raven mutters to Bellamy “Be careful, if you’re here for a checkup she might just kill you,” Bellamy looks over Raven’s shoulder and notices how Clarke’s face falls but just for a second before she veils up, masking that some of the things being said actually affect her. Raven walks away and Clarke’s gaze narrows on Bellamy.

Clarke throws the clipboard on the counter a little harder that necessary “What are you doing here?” she sounds tired more than angry, he takes that as a plus.

Bellamy holds up the brown paper back, his features soft. Clarke doesn’t roll her eyes or slam the door in his face. She strides towards him taking the bag from his hands peering inside “Is this for me?” Her cautious eyes dart to his.

Bellamy shifts on his heals slipping his hands in his pockets “Yeah, just figured you might want to take a break, have something to eat.” He says, dipping his head so as to get a better look at her. the corners of her lips quirk up into a grateful smile, _mission accomplished_ Bellamy pats himself. He’s taken it upon himself to make Clarke smile, not only because she deserves to, but because he loves it when she does.

Clarke tears away from is enthralling gaze “Thanks, taking care of everyone else kinda lodges your mind,” she walks over the couch sinking down, taking out the plastic carrier holding her salad.

“And who’s taking care of you?” Bellamy asks softly, stepping inside the office and sinking next to her. he eyes her curiously.

Clarke doesn’t miss how her skin radiates extra heat around Bellamy, how her heart flutters at the mere sight of him.

She smiles softly “You apparently.”

~~~~~~

“Kinda weird how you just know all these anecdotes about everything,” Clarke chuckles, her arm resting beneath her head on her office couch that’s pulled out into a bed. Bellamy smirks with a lop sided grin, his face mere inches from Clarkes.

For almost a month Clarke and Bellamy have fallen into a comfortable friendship. She never thought she would be waking up to texts from Bellamy Blake and goodnight texts, funny memes and encouraging, comforting words that she needs now more than ever. There was a searing ball of emotions inside of her that she couldn’t or wouldn’t allow herself to decipher. Bellamy is a friend; the person she needs right now. There is this all-consuming aura being under Bellamy’s care, his kindness and necessity to watch over the people he loves is endearing. It was safe to say he quelled some of her pain, she is trying not to get too comfortable, too dependent on him but how can she keep herself from falling into his gravity?

“Tell me another one” she prompts nudging his arm lightly, she sees his eyebrows crease under the soft dim light in her office. He has spent the last thirty minutes telling her Greek mythology tales, she was particular shocked to hear how Icarus smiled as he plumaged to his death after flying to close to the sun.

He shifts slighter moving a little closer and her breath hitches “I swung by O’s last night and I found her watching this show, sirens or something like that and do you know that Hera, queen of the gods, persuaded the sirens to enter a singing competition against the Muses…”

“Muses?”

“Yeah, they were the Greek goddess of poetic inspiration. They won and then plucked out all the Siren’s feathers, made crowns out of them.”

“Ouch,” Clarke chuckles softly.

“I know right” Bellamy chortles “out of their anguish from losing the competition the Siren’s turned white and fell into the sea at Aptera, where they formed the island in the bay” Bellamy feels like he has forgotten how to breath with the way Clarke is staring at him, the burning adoration in her eyes can’t be misinterpreted.

He would give anything to see Clarke like this, a wide grin on her face, cheeks crimson, glint in her eyes.

~~~~~~

Clarke curses herself for not wearing a thicker swear this morning. Arkadia is mostly a cold town, sure sometimes the sun decides to be stubborn and stays longer, shines brighter allowing the town to go swimming and all the things done in summer, but then the cold always finds a way to creep in, dark clouds blanketing the sky. She rushes out the door trying to get home quickly “What are you doing here? she beams when she spots Bellamy outside the hospital on her way home. The evening air is crisp, the moon already crawling from its crest.

He leans off the pavement, Clarke’s eyes rake over him before he’s standing in front of her, he’s wearing a grey cardigan, a black shirt underneath, paired with black jeans, black vans, and a brown coat which he takes off as he approaches her. “I came to walk you home,” he enlightens pulling the coat over, she stares as he makes sure the coat is on right, he smells like Bellamy splashed with a little bit off coffee which she loves. The butterflies in her stomach are having a party.

He steps away with that boyish grin, and she thanks him. She doesn’t know why it still surprises her; this isn’t the first time Bellamy has come over to walk her home, she hasn’t been at the hospital that much but when she is he comes over to walk her home, or sometimes she’ll tell him she needs to get some groceries while Jaha is with her mom and he’ll come right over to walk her which, Bellamy has become the highlight of her day. As much as her mom manages few conversations which gotten shorter and seeing her like that has been more than heartbreaking Bellamy has been a peak of light in this very dark storm.

“How’s Abby?” he asks as they fall into step.

It takes Clarke a second to gather her strength to answer, her heart is in her throat, everyday could be the day. “Comfortable.”

They’ve fallen into a rhythm, talking about everything with them is just normal. Bellamy talks about his mom, he barely knew his dad since he died when he was pretty young, but he remembers some things and talks about Kane and his sister and he tells her about expanding his café into a little bookshop in which she tells him it’s a brilliant idea. When Bellamy asks her about her life in Sanctum or Bardo before she left it feels like is just genuinely curious about her life. Like he wants to know every part of her and it’s not hard for her to open up to him.

…..

When Clarke got home, she checks on her mom who is sound asleep placing a kiss on her check. She smiles to herself as she takes off Bellamy’s coat that he refused to take back and told her he would get it back another time. She can’t help but bring it to her face just so she can be enveloped in his scent.

She takes a shower and helps herself to some pasta and meatballs that Wells dropped off. He seemed calmer by her presence and informed he would be done soon with his project, he came with his Fiancé who Clarke was happy to meet but they didn’t stay long. She’s more than happy for Wells but it made her wonder if she she’ll ever have that, and of course her mind decides to attack her with images of Bellamy and what could be. She heads to the couch her mom is sleeping on and sinks at the edge.

She takes out her phone heading to Instagram is are two new photo Bellamy posted three hours ago both old photos, in the first one is a photo of who looks like his dad holding a baby Bellamy in a onesie and in the other he looks a little younger, face shaved, hair a mess, his in a peach coloured hoodie and dark jeans and vans his arm is wrapped around his mom, Octavia is sitting on her lap, blue coloured stripes in her hair. Kane is smitten next to Aurora and then there is Miller in a yellow hoodie throwing a peace sign standing behind the bench. Clarke remembers Miller, he was always with Bellamy back in the day. Maybe their talk when he was walking her home a few hours ago made him miss his family.

After she is done, she picks up the book by the table EMMA. Her mom always said Jane Austen was her guilty pleaser.

She's a few pages in when Abby shifts while she's sleeping on the couch, Clarke is sat at the edge, she puts the book back on the table and holds on to her mother's leg. "Hey mom" she says softly, cradling her leg. All Clarke can think of is how small her mother looks; she can see the life being drained from her eyes the ache in her throat doesn't go away no matter how much she swallows. Abby smiles at Clarke "I... was waiting for... you to get back" she informs breathy.

"I'm here mom..." Clarke's voice doesn't mean to break but it just does " Do you want me to get you anything?"

Abby shakes her head slowly "How's Bellamy?"

Clarke is a little taken back by the question. She isn't sure why though, Bellamy has been at their place frequently, dropping off food and just checking in. This should feel like a normal casual question, but She can feel her cheeks hitting up and her heart dancing in her chest. "He's fine," she says – trying to keep her voice as casual as possible.

Abby manages a small node "He has grown up to be quite a man."

Oh, so Bellamy is an entire conversation now. Clarke sighs softly, " Yeah, he has."

"Very handsome young man."

Clarke laughs growing a little nervous for some reason. as faint as her mom's eyes are, there is a little mischief in her eyes and tone "Yes... Now is Bellamy who you wanted to talk to me about?" She asks with a soft chuckle.

"Yes. Just checking in on who my daughter is dating."

"We're not dating mom," she doesn't know what they are, but the thought dating Bellamy both excites and terrifies her.

"I think you are, but I won't push" she relents with a small smile...Clarke feels like crying, which is normal to her now. She just wants more of these moments with her mom, talking about who she is falling for and all the million other things. There is a beat of silence. When Clarke is about to tear away from her mother's gaze she speaks again "You know..." She continues holding on to Clarke's "...Your father...he was proud of you...and he would've...been proud of the woman you've become" this is the final push for Clarke's tears to come streaming down her face. Abby reaches out her arm as far she can and Clarke scoots over and takes it.

"I know he was mom..." Clarke cries wishing to every star that her father was here. He would know what to say to her mom, to Clarke he would know how to make things better. Jake was a light that brightened every room he walked in. Clarke never saw her mom smile that much outside by with Jake she beamed from ear to ear.

" And... I'm proud of...you" Abby also cries, squeezes Clarke's hand it seems with whatever energy she has left on her. Clarke rubs the tears off with her free hand and nodes. These are the words she's wanted to hear from her mom since for forever "I know...I... I know I was hard on you...I just...wanted you to be the best...I should've been more..."

"Don't mom...it’s okay... we’re okay. You taught me so much. I did what you wanted I went out there and was the best...." a small, tired smile creeps on Abby’s lips her eyes faltering slightly "I'm proud you too, mom" she croaks.

"You follow... your heart honey...just know you aren't disappointing me...or your father... when you do..." Clarke nods and throws her herself over mom's body, holding on to her. She made sure to be as light as possible as to not hurt Abby. The reality that dawns on Clarke about being left on this earth alone is too painful to accept.

She pulls away from the hug slowly when Jaha offers to take Abby to get some rest, soon Abby won't be here to hold. Clarke is left holding her head in her hands. There are too many emotions to process. She's happy she left and followed her own path, but she also regrets not being here, maybe things would be different if she stayed. She wishes she could have more hugs from her mom, more talks, more of everything. It all feels overwhelming, so she picks Bellamy's coat putting it on her shoes by the door and heading out.

.....

Bellamy is a little startled by the banging on his door that he has no time to throw on anything else, so he rushes to the door barefoot in his black tank top and plaid pyjama bottoms. When he opens the door his heart breaks in his chest as he takes in Clarke's dishevelled appearance, her hair looks like she's run a hand through it a thousand times which she probably has, her eyes bloodshot. The pieces of his heart are still on the floor when he pulls her into a hug.

Bellamy doesn't even know how long they stand on his porch for. All he knows is Clarke needs to be held and he is going hold her as long as she wants. She breaks down in his arms, her head on his chest, her hands fisting his tank top. Bellamy closes his eyes silently comforting her.

Once they are inside he ushers her to his room, he doesn’t plan on forcing her to talk. He'll be here in whatever way she wants. He’s standing by the door, leaning against the frame as he watches her trace her finger on his book shelve, her head cranes up slightly taking in the rest of the room. Bellamy has always kept his room simple. He has a bed in the corner, a big enough bed, some bookshelves, a desk, a closest where he stores his books and trophies from his past.

He has thought of getting a rug for his bedroom the wooden floors get extra cold. She's sat on his bed, hands fidgeting, he strides over to her sitting next to her and takes her hand in his and it makes her look up at him.

She sniffs "I'm sorry for just dropping by" her eyes tear from his to their interlaced hands then back to him "I just... needed to be somewhere else... I'm gonna lose her, I miss my dad, I feel like a bad daughter," she cries, his eyes still fixed on hers.

"You've done nothing but take care of your mom and the hospital... you're a good daughter"

"I should have been here," she shakes her head disapprovingly as her cheeks continue staining with tears. "I could've... helped maybe she wouldn't be dying if I had just stayed," her voice is so pained it cuts through his skin.

He shifts on the bed so that one of his legs in on the bed, still holding her hands. She mimics his stance this time her eyes fixed on that hands. "Your mom is one of the best doctors in the world. Large hospitals all over the world have tried to poach her, she has invented medical methods that are being used everywhere. Clarke...." He says her name softly, but he can hear the pain in it, her ocean eyes meet his again "There is nothing you could've done. You followed your path, it was the right thing to do"

"I hated that we didn't have the strongest relationship."

" I'm sure she does too... But your mom knows you love her. And you know she loves you right"?

Clarke node and Bellamy tucks a curl behind here ear “You’ve turned into this strong, independent and beautiful woman princess, you chose to follow your heart, your mom…I’m sure she’s proud of you.”

She sniffs back a tear “She told me she is.”

Bellamy sighs softly his arm on the side of her face “See.”

She holds on to the arm that’s stretched to her face. "I'm sorry again for just dropping by but I needed you," she says in almost a whisper.

"Never apologise for needing me Clarke," he says, leaning in to plant a soft kiss on her forehead relaxing in his touch.

About an hour later Clarke is tucked to Bellamy's side on the bed as he reads and she sleeps peacefully. He was reading the Iliad until she fell asleep with her arm across his wait.

His eyes sweep from the book to her every here and there. He wants to take her pain put it in a bottle and throw it to the bottom of the sea. He also wants to be the person she comes to and lays in his bed forever. The comfort of being with her, around her is so warm but he knows sooner than later she is going to pack her bags and leave.

Clarke slept in his bed till morning rolled in – and she was quite the sight to see in the morning, the morning light seeped in through the blinds, covering her with soft glows of yellow and he couldn’t help but notice what he always notices, her beauty.

For a moment he stared at her and again he wishes he could unburden her. She’s strong, he thinks, she’ll get through this and he will be there for her as long as she needs him.

When she woke up and thanked him for holding her through the night and being there for her, he told her to never mention it, to always call him when she needs anything. She left giving him a kiss on the cheek.

~~~~~~

Bellamy stares at Clarke right above the UNO cards he has in his hands, there’s a smirk playing on her lips from the spot where she is sitting on the floor, she’s got him. He leans in abruptly stealing the cards from her hands, throwing them on the table together with his, mixing them together with the others.

“You’re such a sore loser,” she laughs throwing a small pillow at him that hits him right in the head, he throws his head back in laughter.

“How do you know I was losing? Maybe I was trying to keep you from losing,” he smirks crossing his arms against his chest.

Clarke stands heading to the kitchen “Yeah right, I’ve beat you how many times now?” she taunts pouring herself a glass of water, Bellamy is right behind her seconds later “Want some?” she asks, and he tells her he’s good.

Bellamy has never understood how Clarke is so beautiful, it’s a thought that just pops in his head when he’s staring at her or when he closes his eyes at night. Even through her bleak days when she’s tucked to his side in silence, or when she laughs – the bridge of her nose crinkling. She is always so captivatingly beautiful he finds himself unable to tear his gaze away.

She sets the cup of water on the white marble counter, her gaze flickering to him, studying him pensively. She takes a step closing the space between them wrapping her arms around his waist her head resting on his chest, it takes a second for Bellamy’s brain to catch on, but he hugs her back. his strong arms enveloping her protectively.

His lips rest on the crown of her head. They stay like that for a while, he doesn’t want to let go. “Clarke,” he says when he hears her stile in a whimper and she just holds on tight for dear life.

“I’m so scared Bell,” she croaks and his heart shutters.

“I know; I know” he draws in a calming breath.

“Thank for being with me, I don’t know if I would have made it without you.”

He smiles softly kissing the top of her head as she snuggles against his chest “No place I’d rather be.”

~~~~~~~

Bellamy shifts his body so that he’s facing Clarke. Everything else in Clarke’s room is bathed in darkness apart from the tv that illuminates her, they decided to watch a movie in Clarke’s room after they made sure Abby was comfortable enough in her bed and Jaha is with her.

Bellamy knows Clarke would crawl inside of herself and never ask for help or even company, so Bellamy has taken it up himself to be the one to reach out, the look of gratitude and the glint in her eyes is priceless and he doesn’t think he will ever get tired of it. They spend most of their time at her place as her works less and less, sometimes they stroll or run to the hill where they usually sit and reminisce, sometimes silently enjoy each other’s company, and when she’s needed to be held, he has been there doing that too.

“So,” he continues with those big beautiful blue eyes looking back at him “When you said I could come over and we can watch your comfort move…this is what you meant?” he asks with a chuckle.

She tries to hide her face in the pillow, light laughter erupting out of her, she peeks with one eye. Cute. “What’s wrong with The Avengers movies being my comfort movies?” She asks softly no longer hiding her face “Come on, they are funny and sad and…” she leans in closer, Bellamy doesn’t know if she realizes what she just did or if she can hear his heartbeat escalate “I get to watch Steve and Nat, Falcon and all the other hot avengers kick ass…what’s there not to be comforted by?” She smirks and all he can do is stare in awe. In awe of this beautiful woman, her charisma and strength.

Everything seems to fade away, he can barely hear the song as the ending credits roll. The room falls silent with Clarke staring back it him with so much fire and something else behind her eyes it’s getting hard to breath. It is just them, breathing each other in.

Bellamy doesn’t know when it happens exactly, one second even with her so close to him, feeling her breath on his face, it felt like she was oceans apart. The next was her being so close, he was being consumed by her fire and then it happens, her lips brush up against his, feather light. She draws back and looks in his eyes, searching for something, regret? Approval? He doesn’t let her wonder for too long as he captures her lips again, a light gasp erupts from her lips and she fists his shirt, his hand caressing her jaw.

Butterflies take root inside his chest as her lips gently caress his, inhaling stealing the air from his lungs, the kiss is scorching and desperate – yet delicate as they pull each other close molding their bodies together. The electric current coming from Clarke’s lips being on his, having her body so close to his sends a jolt through his entire body that invades his every nerve. She curls her fingers through his hair and slides in across his back. she is all he feels, everything else has faded away. They are somewhere orbiting into space.

She pulls back ever so silently, meeting his gaze. “Bellamy,” the whisper of his name drips from her tongue like honey. The fire behind her eyes consumes him in the best possible way, she doesn’t have to say it, their eyes share a silent conversation, they feel the same emotions gushing through them. Bellamy feels like Clarke is who his heart has been waiting for to give itself to fully, his thumb brushes her crimson cheek, and he claims her lips again.

Clarke’s soul feels like it just woke up from a deep sleep kissing Bellamy. The walls of her heart her heart have been crumbling down these past months she’s spent with Bellamy. He has enveloped her with his compassion and wittiness, things she didn’t think she would be getting when Bellamy started warming up to her. She definitely didn’t think she would be kissing her childhood crush who is making her feel loved and like she is seeing every bright and beautiful color and inhaling air for the first time.

Clarke’s fingers trace her lips softly as she lays in her bed, she can still feel the phantom of his lips on hers, his scent lingering and his fire consuming her.

To say she’s terrified would be an understatement, she had let herself go, and didn’t see Bellamy reaching in and tearing down the walls she had built around her heart. Falling in love in general was hard and not on her raider, but falling in love with Bellamy Blake who’s heart she felt like she was bound break.

*****

Clarke allows herself to sink in the fact that receiving a text from Bellamy makes her smile from ear to ear, her face almost hurts from smiling so hard from a simple text telling her he'll bring her lunch. It was two nights ago when she slept in his bed, being held by him brought a certain comfort that she wants to cling on forever. He is starting to feel like home, and she is terrified, but good terrified she thinks. She's definitely falling, and she doesn't want to stop.

She's staring at her phone on the couch in her office when Gabriel's voice cuts in "Let me guess.... Bellamy Blake?" He questions and her head shoots up to see him walking into the office with a knowing smug. He is in his blue scrubs and white coat same as her.

"So ... I'm I right?" He asks sinking next to her. She turns to face him on the sofa.

"It's that's obvious?"

"Only love or at least a really big crush makes someone smile that wide and free," he says knowingly.

Her phone is held to her chest; she tears from his gaze drawing her head back until it's resting on the back of the couch "I... really like him... But…" She sighs, frustrated.

"But?"

"But I feel like such an awful person...My mom is dying and here I am falling in love with my high school crush," she laughs, devoid of humour.

"What's wrong with that?" He asks simply and Clarke can't help but look at him confused.

He smiles softly picking up on Clarke's silent judgment "I know... your mom's dying Clarke... And your mind might be a little preoccupied right now" he puts his comforting arm on hers "but if you're actually falling in love with Bellamy and you want to feel that love just know.... The heart is capable of love and pain at the same time," he says comfortingly with a smile. “I just…” Gabriel cuts himself off which makes Clarke a little nervous. He is staring at her a little cautiously.

She narrows her gaze “What?”

“I’m just wondering… does this mean you’re staying?”

Clarke doesn’t have an answer for that, her mouth opens to say something, but snaps closed, her heart weighs heavy, she knows what Gabriel means. This is why when he first kissed her, she thought she was bound to break Bellamy’s heart.

“I don’t know” she manages in a whisper tearing her gaze from his to her lap.

His hand moves from her hand to a gentle shoulder squeeze “Whatever you decide just have him in mind, if you’re leaving…” he stands “Then make sure he knows that before this love cuts too deep.”

Clarke nods, words escaping her. "Now speaking of love, I have myself a date later so better get all my work done" he says giving her arm one last squeeze before heading out.

Gabriel's words really sink in, and they should make her feel better, they do in a way, but they've also left with a pricking sense of guilt. She's fighting within herself, she has been for a while. What if she decides to leave? What happens then? Breaking Bellamy's heart is the last thing she wants to do.

He looks amazing in his turquois shirt and dark jeans, his hair looking somewhat tamed with his lips curved into his signature half smile.

“Are you okay?” he asks sitting next to her on her office couch. He shifts his weight so he’s staring directly at her, and Clarke can’t meet his gaze. She can’t bring herself to look in the eyes of the man that she has fallen in love with, the man that has made her feel alive in such a long time and ask him to stay clear of her.

She pulls her knees to her chest, trying to rail in her tears “I don’t think we should do this anymore” she says the dull crack in her chest deepening.

“What do you mean?” he asks his voice low. When she doesn’t answer he places his hand on her shoulder “Hey” he tries again his voice laced with concern.

“This…” she gestures between them, finally meeting his gaze “You, me…us. It isn’t real” she pushes herself off the couch abruptly running from his touch.

Clarke feels like she always runs from everything. Anything that she feels will hurt her she has to either do the damage first or cut it off before it gets to that, hell that’s what she did when she left Arkadia.

She stares outside the window of her office unable to look at Bellamy. She doesn’t know what she is expecting from him, she wants him to be angry at her and not heartbroken, anger she can live with, not heartache.

“Clarke,” he says her name like a plea. He doesn’t understand what she means, the tears in her eyes when she turns to look at him makes him take a step back. Seeing Clarke in any kind of anguish has become Bellamy’s least favorite things. He wants to make her feel better, he wants her to unburden herself and use him as a clutch he will hold her up until she can walk by herself.

She runs a hand through her blond curls, she leans against the window “You and me, this friendship, whatever it is…it isn’t real.”

He draws in a harsh breath, taking a step forward. “Can you stop saying that Clarke… of course we’re real,” he looks at her in her bloodshot eyes hoping they can convey to her just how much she has come to mean to him. “Talk to me.”

She doesn’t tear from his gaze this time “You can’t fix me Bell; you can’t mold me into this perfect Arkadian girl.”

“Is that what you think I’ve been trying to do?” his voice breaks “Trying to change you?”

“I’ll just break your heart Bellamy.”

He takes a step forward, his hands holding on to either side of her arms his forehead resting on hers “I don’t want to lose you. it’s scary but…Clarke” he pulls his head away slightly and she flickers her gaze to his “I want to be with you, but if you’re not ready for that…then let me just…be there for you.”

Tears stream down her face as she shakes her head. just when she is about to tell him that even as friends, she’ll break his heart, because she is a storm that wrecks everything in her wake.

Gabriel calls her for an emergency operation. She takes one more look in the glassy eyes of the man that she loves and walks out the room. 

~~~~~

Bellamy knows love isn’t the only requisite for two people to be together. He loves Clarke and maybe she loves him too, but that doesn’t mean they are going to be together no matter how much he wants to be with her.

He can’t get the pained look in Clarke’s eyes out of his mind, her sore voice when she told him to leave that has left a piercing pain in his chest.

He’s watching TV mindlessly when the phone rings, he lets it ring the first time around not in the mood to talk to anyone really, the second time around he forces himself off the couch to pick his phone off the kitchen island.

A cold chill runs down his spine and settles in his bones when he sees Clarke’s name reflected on his screen, he has an aching feeling that he knows what the call is about and he is right when he picks up the call there is a soft sob that escapes Clarke’s lips that causes him to close his eyes waiting for her to say it “Bell, she’s gone,” she says and brakes down.

Bellamy doesn’t waste any time pulling a sweater over his body and rushing out of his house to be by Clarke’s side.

She told him Gabriel drove her home, he knocks a few times but no answer. He pushes his way in anyway and rushes into Clarke’s room, his heart drops to the floor when he sees Clarke curled up in her bed sobbing into her pillow.

“Clarke…it’s Bellamy” he announces before crawling on the bed and wrapping his arms around her waist

“I’m here…I’m so sorry Clarke” he says softly, and she turns in his touch her head resting on his chest.

There is a beat of silence before she says something “I’m all alone now,” she cries.

If he could take all this pain and make it his he would “I know it’s not the same but…you have me” he cradles her jaw and she tilts her head to look up at him, he prays his eyes convey just how much he means the next words “whether you’re here or oceans apart…I promise you princess – you’ll always have me,” he promises kissing the top of her head and she tucks herself to his side for the rest of the night “I’m so sorry.. I’m sorry. You’re not alone” he wills himself not to cry kissing the top of head holding on to her as she sobs in his chest.

~~~~~~

Clarke drew her strength from Bellamy when she couldn’t find her own, when she felt the ground opening beneath her, he was there holding her hand so she wouldn’t fall. To her surprise a lot more people rallied around her. Wells came back and made some food which he dropped off including others as well, she also understands he couldn’t be there as much as he was taking care of Jaha who checked in on Clarke letting her know he was there if she needed him.

Miller, Octavia, Raven and a few others have been coming around to help clean the house and the yard even though Clarke told them it wasn’t necessary. Gabriel with the help of Doctor Murphy and Doctor Jackson have been holding down the fort at hospital. Clarke has been buried in paperwork of all her mother and father’s property.

Bellamy has been there every step of the way, even just sitting in silence as they both work in her living room. He knew when she needed to be held, which is a lot lately, his arms around her is a comfort she didn’t know she needed, and she isn’t sure she can live without it, and he knew when she needed to work or process her feelings on her own.

It’s been over a month since her mother’s passing, a few of Bellamy’s friends – or now she guesses they are her friends again – have been coming over to watch movies and eat with her and Bellamy. After, their friends leave Clarke’s house on this particular Saturday, she goes back to being tucked in Bellamy’s side his arm around her pulling her closer. She can’t take her eyes off of him looking beautiful illuminated under the blue hues of lights from the TV, her heart swells for this man.

His lips curve into a smile “I can feel you staring you know that right?”

“I know,” she takes his hand off his lap and brings it to her lips placing a chaste kiss, he turns to look at her his smile turning into a huge grin.

“What was that for?”

“For being there for me.”

“I don’t want to ever stop being there for you,” he angles his whole facing her and she does the same, her knees brushing up against his and wonders if the heat that radiates from his body will ever stop seeping into hers. She hopes not. His eyes are serious but there’s a soft glow to them. “Look” he takes her hands in his narrowing his gaze “Even when you’re back in Sanctum, I still want you in my life Clarke, I meant what I said…you’ll always have me.”

She didn’t even realize she was crying until Bellamy is taking his hand out of his and reaching out his arms brushing way the tears with his thumb “Clarke.”

“How did I get so lucky and unlucky at the same time” she sniffs back her tears to overwhelmed by her emotions, and he moves a little closer his arm caressing her jaw and she closes her eyes as tears escape them. She shifts her head and kisses the inside of his palm. Her eyes slowly flutter open, meeting his gaze but his eyebrows drawn together in concern “I lost my mom, and I should feel nothing but anguish but…here you are” she lets out a light chuckle. “You’ve made me feel so loved and wanted and…happy. I didn’t think I’d be getting any of that here…so thank you.”

He doesn’t say anything for a bit cocking his head to the side a little, just staring at her in utter awe but then he murmurs words that Clarke wants seared in her brain forever “I love you…” he admits softly “this may be too soon to say but I do. You’re this strong, vulnerable, stubborn, smart and beautiful badass woman coiled into one…how could I not fall in love with you?”

Every nerve in her body reacts to those words, her body is overflowing with warmth and adoration for this beautiful man in from of hers. She takes the hand that’s holding her cheeks and slides it down to her lap holding it in hers and narrowing her gaze “I’m not leaving,” she says, and he is shaking his head softly.

“Clarke, I didn’t say that to…”

“I know...I’m not doing that because of you, Bell,” she shifts a little moving to sit on his laps, his arm snaking behind her weight holding on to her, the other holding on to the side of her face that’s just a breath away. She needs to make him understand he isn’t the only reason why. She doesn’t want him to feel tied to her, in case they don’t work she needs him to know he won’t have anything to feel guilty about, even though the idea of them not working out makes her feels sick. “My parents built something here, something that helps and lifts up people and I want to carry that on. I don’t know…” she lets out a soft breath for the first time I feel like I could build something of my own here too. I don’t need the whole town to like me, maybe they will I don’t know but…” she continues feeling a little overwhelmed her hand brushing back his hair, “I have friends, and a job a…and you…I didn’t expect to fall in love – but here I am.” She sees his chest drop by her revelation and soon after he is colliding his lips with hers in a burning kiss.

This kiss feels like a promise to a new beginning with Bellamy and she is ready to be consumed by him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments.  
> Kudos and comments are highly appreciated💙
> 
> Thanks to the amazing Heather [Thanks beta](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Excuseyouclarke/)
> 
> Come chat with me [Tumblr ](http://luminouswriter.tumblr.com)


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